In This Hole


I am haunted by this lyric from Cat Power's song "In This Hole":
the one horrible thing you saw
Just that line, that fragment, encapsulates my life. I saw a horrible thing--the death of my father. I saw many horrible things that went along with that death. I saw his corpse. I saw his casket and his grave. I saw people I trusted turn away and abandon me. I saw the disintegration of my entire life. I saw the destruction of myself. I still live in that metaphorical "hole" that Power sings about, and I only seem to sink deeper into it.

Maybe when you lose everything, you are forced to make a life out of that hole, that loss. It becomes the only real thing you know. 

In the months since graduating college in May, I have struggled every day to wake up and to continue living despite the crushing pain of my grief, the new debts I now have on me, and the inability to find employment. 

My stepfather lost his job at the time I graduated. We had to go to food banks that gave us expired food. I watched my mother cry many days as we confronted the very real possibility of having to leave our home and move into a shelter. Just when everything was about to fall apart, my stepfather did find a job and we averted disaster but the fear took its toll. 

My depression has been so deep. 

Many times during the past few months when everything was so frightening, I described my life as a hole that I could not get out of. It's the only metaphor I could find. I'm still in that hole, still clawing my way out if there even is a way out.

I can't forget all the horrible things I've seen. I can't stop seeing them. I can't stop living in fear of the next horrible thing.