Missing My Dad

When it comes to the death of a parent, we often say how unfortunate it is that they will miss out on the major moments of our lives--graduations and wedding days and the birth of children. While it is true that these huge events are diminished because of a parent's absence, I don't really dwell on them or mention them when I talk about my grief. I don't care that he can't walk me down the aisle if I get married. I don't care so much that he couldn't be there when I graduated high school and college, though, to be honest, I did not attend those ceremonies precisely because his absence rendered them meaningless. No, those big moments are of little importance to me. I don't want him at a loud event, sitting in the stands. I want him on the couch in our living room. I want to watch Saturday Night Live with him. I want to share with him all the music I've discovered. I want us to talk about world events and eat dinner together and go to the movies. I want to kiss him good-night and give him a hug. I can't really think of the future anymore. My mind focuses only on the past. I don't know if I'll get married one day or have children of my own. If I do, then I will certainly miss him at those moments, but they will be no different from all the other moments I've lived without him.