Secret Sunshine (2007)

A film I should have taken notes on, but I was too immersed in it to do anything but lie there in the darkness and feel the devastation of every scene.

Do-yeon Jeon's face, her sobbing, the way she gasps for air and clutches her chest because the grief is strangling her. The way she stands in the middle of the street, not caring if a car hits her. The way she shrieks and weeps in public, so visibly disintegrating. Her rage at God, at people. Oh how she tries to go on, to find peace, to be the inspiration, the happy ending, but the pretending is too much.

I thought the whole time: This is raw. This is real and honest. This is a grief rarely seen on screen. It is bodily. It is under the skin, in the blood, surging from the guts.

Her face will stay with me always. Tear-streaked and agonized like Maria Falconetti in La Passion de Jeanne d'Arc. But unlike Jeanne, God is not there, never was there. God is nowhere. And all she has is her grief.