New Year, Old Wound

Right now--three hours into 2013--I am utterly devastated. My father is dead and I feel the pain of it all the time but it's stronger now that another year without him has passed and a new year without him is beginning. I'm no closer to anything. I'm only farther away from him. The future is a void, an abyss. The past is untouchable. I want to cry but I can't. I can barely write. Life without him is unbearable and long and meaningless. I'm dazed by his absence. It's new again, fresh and raw, like an oozing wound that was never stitched up. Or maybe I keep ripping the stitches out. I cannot let go.

And the question that haunts me always: "What more will I lose?"